I’ve been pulled back

An idea is like a virus. Resilient. Highly contagious. And even the smallest seed of an idea can grow. It can grow to define or destroy you. Cobb, Inception.

The last few weeks, I struggled with an idea. The idea of humanism. As a psychology student, I am exposed with many ideas and theories about human. But this peculiar idea, humanism, stuck in my head and began to spread to many aspects of my life like a virus. Belief that human can reach it’s best with efficacy-Bandura, belief that human can enhance with unconditional positive regards through empathy-Rogers, and many others.

I didn’t aware until some point I felt so empty because I didn’t feel God anymore. When it happened, I began to realize that I actually felt God as a human and not as, God. Unconsciously, I see God as someone who listened and empathized but not more than that. And I could find listeners and empathizers through my friends, thus I searched less for God. Unconsciously, I started to forget that God has the power and authority to control. I became anxious for I felt far from God. At that point, I struggled and I asked what had happened to myself. The more I struggle, the more was I concerned with my thoughts. I asked God to show himself, so I can feel him mentally and, for the first time, physically too.

With all the priming I received, at last I was enlightened.

Enlightened by today’s devotion. For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened-Romans 1:21. I wondered why I struggled with that idea of humanism and the answer is simple, because it believes in human’s greatness. Unconsciously, I set aside God’s greatness and that was the core of my distortion.

Enlightened by JN’s sharing yesterday about spiritual garden. Gary Thomas’ idea is everyone has their own ways to reach spirituality. Looking at nine pathways given (naturalist, sensate, traditionalist, ascetic, activist, caregiver, enthusiast, contemplative and intellectual), I believed mine is strongest through sensation. As I looked back, I got a lot of sensation from human lately, which strengthened the idea of humanism.

Enlightened by yesterday’s preaching. “Don’t take sensation of unbelief too seriously, take God seriously” quoted from Barth, ST preached that spirituality is vivid, felt thoroughly by our body and our mind intertwined.

Knowing all this, I became aware of myself. Of what my senses might perceive, of what an idea might fill. And I learned to trust God once again, deeper by feel him, with not just my mind but my body and senses as well.

God have pulled me back, and now I give in all the glory to him.

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