internal war

when you start fighting your own false believe

you will realize

how hard it is to fight

how easy it is to come back

how weak you are all this time

and up until now


the time I’m waiting for is at night

when you sounded sleepy and you close your eyes

magnetized by your charm

a star so bright

my hand moves to touch your cheeks

brush your hair all the way back

feels so blessed and I’m blessing you too

’til suddenly you say lava you

oh yes it’s the time I’m waiting for



“Wait! Don’t go”


“I need you”

“Yeah I know”

“Then come back”

“I know you searched but you just didn’t see me when I was in front of you. Like I was invisible”


“And I replied your stories, but you just didn’t listen. Like I was inaudible”


“Come find me when I need you”

“How do I know”

“You just do. I am always inside”


I am very tired to answer
I have tried so hard
But you just do not listen

Longing to share to you
I even cut down my stories
To the simplest one-word-answers

To show you
That I still do listen
That I still do answer
Only to find that you do not hear
What I get are censures

I am very tired
I do not ask for you to listen
I do not ask for you to even hear
Trying, is more than enough

I’ve been pulled back

An idea is like a virus. Resilient. Highly contagious. And even the smallest seed of an idea can grow. It can grow to define or destroy you. Cobb, Inception.

The last few weeks, I struggled with an idea. The idea of humanism. As a psychology student, I am exposed with many ideas and theories about human. But this peculiar idea, humanism, stuck in my head and began to spread to many aspects of my life like a virus. Belief that human can reach it’s best with efficacy-Bandura, belief that human can enhance with unconditional positive regards through empathy-Rogers, and many others.

I didn’t aware until some point I felt so empty because I didn’t feel God anymore. When it happened, I began to realize that I actually felt God as a human and not as, God. Unconsciously, I see God as someone who listened and empathized but not more than that. And I could find listeners and empathizers through my friends, thus I searched less for God. Unconsciously, I started to forget that God has the power and authority to control. I became anxious for I felt far from God. At that point, I struggled and I asked what had happened to myself. The more I struggle, the more was I concerned with my thoughts. I asked God to show himself, so I can feel him mentally and, for the first time, physically too.

With all the priming I received, at last I was enlightened.

Enlightened by today’s devotion. For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened-Romans 1:21. I wondered why I struggled with that idea of humanism and the answer is simple, because it believes in human’s greatness. Unconsciously, I set aside God’s greatness and that was the core of my distortion.

Enlightened by JN’s sharing yesterday about spiritual garden. Gary Thomas’ idea is everyone has their own ways to reach spirituality. Looking at nine pathways given (naturalist, sensate, traditionalist, ascetic, activist, caregiver, enthusiast, contemplative and intellectual), I believed mine is strongest through sensation. As I looked back, I got a lot of sensation from human lately, which strengthened the idea of humanism.

Enlightened by yesterday’s preaching. “Don’t take sensation of unbelief too seriously, take God seriously” quoted from Barth, ST preached that spirituality is vivid, felt thoroughly by our body and our mind intertwined.

Knowing all this, I became aware of myself. Of what my senses might perceive, of what an idea might fill. And I learned to trust God once again, deeper by feel him, with not just my mind but my body and senses as well.

God have pulled me back, and now I give in all the glory to him.

I ordered ocha

Heat from the brume made my face warm
And I closed my eyes
The aroma of the distinct Japanese tea filled my nose

I reminisced those nights in Japan
In a chophouse in Tsukiji
Same menu, cold soba and hot ocha
It was raining, it was cold
Yet it felt so warm inside
I wanted to go back there
That feeling, that atmosphere
In a place far from home
With people a far cry from me
Even so, still I felt homey

I sipped the ocha
The taste, so strong
I recognized the taste
And I knew where from

So I know now where to find again
That feeling, that atmosphere
In a cup of ocha

My dear friend,

It is interesting to find a photo

A photo you gave me four years ago

A photo of you with your own writing

“you must remember me”

And I have been, and I am now

I wonder how you are

And I long to see you, face to face

I wonder if we will ever meet again