“Wait! Don’t go”


“I need you”

“Yeah I know”

“Then come back”

“I know you searched but you just didn’t see me when I was in front of you. Like I was invisible”


“And I replied your stories, but you just didn’t listen. Like I was inaudible”


“Come find me when I need you”

“How do I know”

“You just do. I am always inside”


I’ve been pulled back

An idea is like a virus. Resilient. Highly contagious. And even the smallest seed of an idea can grow. It can grow to define or destroy you. Cobb, Inception.

The last few weeks, I struggled with an idea. The idea of humanism. As a psychology student, I am exposed with many ideas and theories about human. But this peculiar idea, humanism, stuck in my head and began to spread to many aspects of my life like a virus. Belief that human can reach it’s best with efficacy-Bandura, belief that human can enhance with unconditional positive regards through empathy-Rogers, and many others.

I didn’t aware until some point I felt so empty because I didn’t feel God anymore. When it happened, I began to realize that I actually felt God as a human and not as, God. Unconsciously, I see God as someone who listened and empathized but not more than that. And I could find listeners and empathizers through my friends, thus I searched less for God. Unconsciously, I started to forget that God has the power and authority to control. I became anxious for I felt far from God. At that point, I struggled and I asked what had happened to myself. The more I struggle, the more was I concerned with my thoughts. I asked God to show himself, so I can feel him mentally and, for the first time, physically too.

With all the priming I received, at last I was enlightened.

Enlightened by today’s devotion. For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened-Romans 1:21. I wondered why I struggled with that idea of humanism and the answer is simple, because it believes in human’s greatness. Unconsciously, I set aside God’s greatness and that was the core of my distortion.

Enlightened by JN’s sharing yesterday about spiritual garden. Gary Thomas’ idea is everyone has their own ways to reach spirituality. Looking at nine pathways given (naturalist, sensate, traditionalist, ascetic, activist, caregiver, enthusiast, contemplative and intellectual), I believed mine is strongest through sensation. As I looked back, I got a lot of sensation from human lately, which strengthened the idea of humanism.

Enlightened by yesterday’s preaching. “Don’t take sensation of unbelief too seriously, take God seriously” quoted from Barth, ST preached that spirituality is vivid, felt thoroughly by our body and our mind intertwined.

Knowing all this, I became aware of myself. Of what my senses might perceive, of what an idea might fill. And I learned to trust God once again, deeper by feel him, with not just my mind but my body and senses as well.

God have pulled me back, and now I give in all the glory to him.

In the crowds

Still in my inspiration program, even though this is the fourth topic and I post this long after the first one forgive me for this. This time, it’s about writing from a picture.

I visited Japan with my family last June. It was a lot of fun! I’m so amazed by all the things I experienced there and I really wanted to go there again if I could 😀

So, this is my favorite picture. Shibuya Crossing. Well, what I like from that place was there are so many people. I like being in the crowds, of people maybe I don’t know. But somehow it made me comfortable. Not only in Japan, honestly, like, wherever I go I like to be in the crowds. That’s why I love being in Shibuya crossing or in the trains because there are so many different people there! Yes, if I look further maybe I like to see the uniqueness in different people. Their faces, their movements, their style. It amused me how people can be so unique and differ from one another. Maybe it’s one of the factors I can accept people as they are more and more.

My day one inspiration

So, I just joined a program. To find an inspiration, to write it down. The first topic given is, why do I write.

Well, I did this as my first post and I remembered it like it’s only yesterday. Thought about it deeper though, and well.. another question just appears: Why do I keep writing?

I guess, the reason is also quite simple: So I don’t forget.

I realized that I easily forget many things which have happened in the past. Not just the events, but the feelings I felt too. And as I look deeper, I think it’s because of myself. I just.. don’t want to remember. Maybe because I felt they are not that meaningful to be remembered, or because those memories and those feelings are painful, maybe because I would be full of regrets if I remember.

But I know now, that it’s not right to forget things. Because they are important. To know myself. To know the purpose of my life. They are truly important. That’s why I don’t want to forget anymore, I want to remember. One way is by writing. So if you ask me again, why do I write or why do I keep writing? My answer is…

I write because I want to remember.


I just joined a camp at my church, a camp to get me and of course everyone else “disclosed”. In the last session, JN preached about the face. It had so much relation to my own life.

He started with how technology nowadays made us meet people less. That’s so very true in my life. Well, I posted about how I like to communicate through the screen. I could not see the face or expression of my friend and they couldn’t see me either. It made me feelingless; just as the preacher said.

The face, he said, is the same with presence and the face always triggered a response. That way, we feel our own feelings which appear in our responses. I have always been afraid to meet people face to face, moreover the ones I don’t feel comfortable with. But I realize now that I just don’t want to be known by others and I don’t want to get hurt from knowing others as well.

But why should I live if I think like that? Isn’t life about getting known and getting hurt? Because when that happens, you will also know the essential facts in life. And the more important thing, you will meet love. this was preached by ST the previous day.

So yeah, the camp really opened my eyes and my heart. To get disclosed, is not an easy thing at all. But I will do it more and more, to make me more human as well.

“You are like the sun”

Do you know an anime called “Saiyuki”? Maybe the one you know is the story about a monk and his three friends who went on a journey to the west. Saiyuki is made from that tale; Minekura Kazuya elaborated the tale into several series. Minekura also made a prequel to Saiyuki – Saiyuki Gaiden – where Goku meets Konzen, Kenren and Tenpou in heaven before Goku was expelled to earth and caged for more than 500 years. In Saiyuki series, Konzen reincarnated to Sanzo, Kenren to Gojyo and Tenpou to Hakkai. That’s the short introduction to Saiyuki, what I want to share further is in the story of Saiyuki Gaiden.



Konzen was born as an official in heaven, his life was so smooth… and very boring, until Bosatsu (the merciful goddess who is also Konzen’s aunt) brought an animal -Goku- to heaven. That… was their first encounter.


Awesome… You’re shining! Like the sun. That animal‘s first words to Konzen as he touched Konzen’s golden long hair.

Annoyed, Konzen smacked the animal‘s head and called him bakazaru (stupid monkey).

Bosatsu saw that interesting and told Konzen to take care of the animal. Of course Konzen was super annoyed, knowing the animal very energetic and talkative with its innocent big smile. Even after all the smacks for being a nuisance for Konzen, Goku was still attached to Konzen..Later, Konzen gave the animal a name, Goku -Go = understanding and Ku = the void-.


Skip to the important part of the story, Konzen grew fond of Goku and really cared for him as his own son. Goku, was later known that he is Seiten Taisei (The Great Sage Equaling Heaven), broke his limiter which made him goes berserk. He killed lots of heaven’s army (where killing is forbidden in heaven) thus became a traitor and was pursued. Konzen, Kenren, and Tenpou were involved and pursued as well. They planned to escape to earth but Konzen, Kenren and Tenpou never made it.


In the development of the story, I really reflect what happened to Konzen. Konzen was once always bored and apathetic with all of the things around him, but was so alive and caring after Goku came to his life. Konzen was always been Goku’s sun from the beginning, but as the time goes by, he began to realize that Goku’s was his sun. At the end when Konzen knew he wouldn’t make it to earth he said,

Goku, you were the one who reached out to me first. Next time, I promise I’ll be the one to reach for you. I’ll definitely reach for you.

Konzen changed. His awareness towards others emerged, his stubborn personality subdued, his views of the world widened, he dared sacrifice his own life. All because of Goku.


One’s life is touched by a sun.

This might happened too, especially touched by a sun – the real sun, Jesus Christ that is.

Us born a Christian have lived smoothly in a comfort zone, almost too comfort that we might as well get bored. Taking God’s word emptily as common as other information. But hey, maybe we don’t realize that Jesus has made his encounter with us; in a positive or negative event. Us who deep down have been thinking that God’s word are so annoying, told countless time before and has no meaning to our life. But it never stops, why? Because we are also his precious suns. Us might go through a path where we start to see changes in ourselves and soon realized that we are getting fond of him because he always have been our sun, always lights our journey of life.

Hoped we can continue like Konzen, giving our whole life for that sun. Fulfill his command and promises until we meet again.





500 years later…


Wonder how… he’s so shiny… He’s almost like… almost like…

Belajar dari kehidupan keras berkereta

Setelah kurang lebih 1 setengah tahun menggunakan jasa angkutan umum kereta rel listrik  (KRL) / commuter line, saya sudah cukup terbiasa dengan adanya kejadian-kejadian tidak terduga seperti yang terjadi kemarin sore.

Rabu, 6 April 2016 merupakan hari terakhir UTS dan mata kuliah yang diujikan cukup sulit sehingga banyak mahasiswa yang telah mengikuti rangkaian UTS merasa lelah baik secara fisik maupun mental. Saya dan teman saya yang menempuh perjalanan sama pada awalnya ingin beraktivitas dengan teman-teman lain terlebih dahulu dan pulang pk19.00 padahal kami sebenarnya sudah bisa pulang pk15.30. Waktu menunjukkan pk16.00 saat saya mendengar kabar ada KRL anjlok di arah perjalanan pulang kami. Saya akan menjelaskan mengenai hal tersebut. Di bawah adalah peta rute commuter line:

Peta Rute KRL - Jarak Stasiun 2015 PERUBAHAN

Sumber:, dengan perubahan

Perjalanan pulang kami berawal di Stasiun Universitas Indonesia (Manggarai-Bogor) dan berakhir di Stasiun Rawa Buaya (Duri-Tangerang). Kami biasa menaiki KRL jurusan Tanah Abang Jatinegara (line berwarna kuning) dan transit di Stasiun Duri dan melanjutkan perjalanan hingga Stasiun Rawa Buaya (line berwarna coklat). Kereta api yang anjlok ada di antara Stasiun Manggarai dan Stasiun Sudirman.

Stasiun Manggarai adalah stasiun yang besar dan merupakan pertemuan dari 3 rute KRL (Jakarta Kota – Bekasi, Jakarta Kota – Bogor, dan Jatinegara – Bogor), di Stasiun Manggarai ada 7 jalur yang biasa dipakai untuk perjalanan KRL. KRL yang anjlok adalah kereta feeder yang berjalan hanya dari Stasiun Manggarai – Duri. Kereta tersebut biasanya berada di jalur 2 dan harus berganti ke jalur 5 (karena jalur 1 – 4 mengarah ke Stasiun Cikini, Jakarta Kota). Setelah saya melihat berita, ternyata gerbong terakhir dari KRL tersebut anjlok saat berganti jalur. Akibatnya jalur-jalur lain pun tertutup dan lalu lintas ke arah Jakarta Kota pun ikut terganggu.

Saya belum mengetahui hal tersebut, hanya tau bahwa ada kereta anjlok di antara Stasiun Manggarai dan Stasiun Sudirman. Kami langsung berjalan pulang karena tau pasti terkena imbasnya. Saat kami sampai di Stasiun UI, kami melihat KRL yang berada di jalur kami, namun ternyata KRL tersebut akan balik ke arah Bogor maka kami tidak menaikinya. Kami pun merasa panik karena takut tidak dapat pulang, namun ternyata masih ada KRL selanjutnya yang mengarah ke Manggarai. Kami berencana untuk berhenti di Stasiun Cawang dan melanjutkan dengan TransJakarta hingga Halte Latumenten/Stasiun Grogol dan melanjutkan dengan KRL kembali sampai Stasiun Rawa Buaya. Saya sudah cukup sering menempuh rute tersebut, namun kemarin merupakan yang pertama kalinya bagi teman saya menempuh rute tersebut.

Akhirnya kami naik KRL pk16.30 dari Stasiun UI dan KRL tersebut berjalan dengan sangat lambat. Kami sering terhenti dalam perjalanan dan sempat berganti kereta di Stasiun Pasar Minggu. Orang-orang yang berada di kereta yang sama sudah mulai gerah dan mengeluh. Hal tersebut terjadi karena operator meminta kami untuk pindah kereta 3 kali di Stasiun tersebut, tentu saja kami semua berganti kereta karena ingin cepat pulang.

Kami bertemu dengan seorang ibu yang juga mengarah dekat tempat tujuan kami (ibu tersebut biasa berhenti di Stasiun Taman Kota). Pada akhirnya, ia ingin ikut kami naik TransJakarta karena tau akan jauh lebih lama apabila ia melanjutkan naik KRL. Kami tiba di Stasiun Cawang. Perjalanan dari Stasiun UI ke Stasiun Cawang memakan waktu 2 jam, biasanya hanya sekitar 20 menit.

Kami keluar dari KRL dan menuju Halte Cawang. Saya dan teman saya harus menaiki TransJakarta jurusan Pluit karena Halte Latumenten (Stasiun Grogol) ada di jurusan tersebut. Datanglah TJ jurusan Grogol, ibu yang bersama kami menaiki TJ tersebut karena ia akan berganti bus di Grogol. Kami menaiki TJ setelah itu dengan jurusan Pluit. Bersyukur karena bus tersebut dingin tidak terlalu penuh meski kami tidak dapat duduk. Ada saat kami dapat duduk, kami berbagi satu tempat duduk prioritas di bagian depan bus. Teman saya melihat ada ibu yang ingin duduk dan teman saya ingin berdiri, namun saya agak memaksanya untuk tetap duduk karena saya tau dia lelah dan saya pun lelah. Kami berdiri lagi saat kami melihat ada ibu hamil yang masuk bus. Perjalanan dari Halte Cawang sampai Halte Latumenten sangat lancar dan memakan waktu 45 menit, kami duduk dua kali selama perjalanan. Kami turun di Halte Latumenten dan berjalan menuju Stasiun Grogol. Sesampainya disana kaki kami sudah tegang dan perut kami sakit karena lapar dan kebetulan kami berdua sedang datang bulan. Kami pun duduk pada senderan tiang stasiun.

KRL Grogol - liputan 6 PERUBAHAN

Sumber:, dengan perubahan

KRL belum tersedia di Stasiun Duri. Kami menunggu di peron KRL yang mengarah ke Duri dengan pikiran ingin dapat duduk apabila penumpang turun di Stasiun Duri. Saat sampai di Stasiun Duri, kami melihat ada KRL yang datang dari arah Manggarai. KRL tersebut sangat penuh dan banyak sekali yang turun di Stasiun Duri. Penumpang dari KRL tersebut mulai masuk KRL kami dan kami melihat mereka sangat basah karena keringat. Kami pun sadar bahwa kami jauh lebih beruntung daripada orang-orang yang harus berdesakan tersebut. Kami sangat tau bahwa penumpang dari Stasiun Sudirman sangat banyak dalam waktu tersebut karena banyak yang baru pulang bekerja. Pada hari biasa sangatlah padat, apalagi hari ini saat penumpang menumpuk dan jumlah KRL sedikit. Kami pun memutuskan untuk berdiri.

Ada penumpang lain yang baru masuk dan berkata “akhirnya ada angin“, penumpang lainnya pun berkata “seram banget tadi udah miring-miring keretanya, apalagi sebelum sampai Tanah Abang, ampun seseknya“, “iya bahkan tadi orang di deket aku ada yang udah hampir pingsan.” Saya dan teman saya hanya bisa saling lihat dan bersyukur akan perjalanan kami yang aman dengan TJ. Kami sangat mengerti bahwa KRL tersebut jauh lebih penuh sebelum sampai Stasiun Tanah Abang karena Stasiun Tanah Abang juga merupakan stasiun transit yang besar, banyak penumpang yang turun untuk berganti KRL ke arah Serpong.

Sesampainya di Stasiun Rawa Buaya, seperti biasa kami mengantri untuk keluar. Hanya saja antrian hari ini jauh lebih panjang dibanding biasanya meski waktu telah menunjukkan pk20.30. Petugas memeriksa ke antrian apabila ada ibu hamil ataupun orang-orang yang sudah tidak kuat. Ia balik dengan menggotong seorang ibu yang hampir pingsan dan mereka menyiapkan kursi roda untuk ibu tersebut.

Waktu perjalanan saya dan teman saya tempuh 4 jam atau 4 jam setengah sampai ke rumah masing-masing. Kami sangat bersyukur karena kami masih dapat sampai di rumah kami masing-masing dengan selamat.

Belajar banyak dari kehidupan yang keras di kota dimana kami harus berkompetisi untuk mendapatkan resource. Hal tersebut adalah salah satu alasan saya tetap menyukai transportasi umum dan pulang-pergi meski kampus saya jauh (kira-kira 1,5 jam perjalanan). Kami pun semakin tahan banting dan kreatif mencari solusi alternatif dengan mengalami kejadian-kejadian seperti ini. Hal yang penting pula untuk saya adalah pembelajaran saya tentang manusia yang membuat saya dapat melihat dari banyak sudut pandang dan melatih saya untuk berempati. Dengan demikian, saya benar-benar merasa sangat diberkati meski susah dan hal tersebut mendorong saya untuk menjadi berkat pula bagi orang lain.

That “feeling” I forget?

As usual, I arrived early in my campus. Today is the same as any other day. I went through the same road and I reached my faculty. As I walked through places by places. I suddenly remembered.. The first times I saw that place, a “garden” in the middle at my faculty, about one year 8 months ago. That same place, that same aura, but a surprisedly very different feeling. Back then, I felt excited, I felt unfamiliar, I felt joyful. Now, I felt just so-so, another familiar place.

As I remembered, a lot of things has happened. I still can remember clearly, what happened in that place. Things happened in 2014 was so much clearer than in 2015. I wonder why, is it because I still had that “feeling”. I wonder where that “feeling” went. Am I the one who have been sensitized by things happened here?

I can’t say I understand fully, I am learning about what happened to me as a person right now in my studies. It’s very intriguing, how a human ‘works’. I really want to look inside myself right now and see what happened there, in my mind, my deepest mind.

It’s also scary when I think about it. But hey, writing this made me a bit relieved. Again, what made me feel relieved? This kind of thinking, when will it be satisfied?

Through a glass, darkly

Another wonderful philosophic novel from Jostein Gaarder which once again opened my eyes for another angle to see.


This novel tells you about a point of view you wouldn’t imagine before, an angel. The story was wonderfully plotted  using the interaction of a very sick girl and her “guardian” angel. Well, it was of course just a possibility that angel really think like that, but hey, it was really enjoyable and beyond my imagination. A very intriguing part is Gaarder chose the base from a verse in the Bible;

1 Corinthians 13:12

For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror, then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part, then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

The novel made me think about how small and limited our knowledge is. Yes, limited to our own senses. Therefore, our mind will just see and think from our sense’s perspective. I thought about how if we think outside our perspective, and I remembered the movie “Interstellar” where humans would perceive 5 dimensions and not just 3. It’s so interesting to watch movies like that. Let’s just see what will happen next, I guess with the development of the technologies, that might just happen in the future!